Dabbling in On-Line Dating

I am not a “dater.” I usually meet my mates in a stupor. Something about approaching a stranger and convincing them how cool I am makes me feel super cheesy. Not only that, but I’m a little grossed out by people who are really good at it. Maybe I’m just a wuss.

I am currently in a long-term relationship (please god let it last forever…), but if I weren’t, I’d be tempted to dabble with some dating websites. Why not? My girlfriend did it before we hooked up (I assume it stopped then…), and an old buddy of mine did a lot of on-line dating. His reports were glowing. He claimed to have gotten a lot of action. A WHOLE LOT OF ACTION.

Well, while trolling Craigslist for deployment opportunities, I came across a listing that asked me to go to a dating website, write a little review and submit it to a panel who would decide if they can use my skills. Why not, right? Either this is a stupid way to get people to sign up for a dating website, or these guys really need consumer reviewers.

I’ve never used a date-site before, but I know my way around Facespace or Mybook, or whatever Rupert Murdoch owns these days. The interface at Matchmaker.com is pretty similar. You set up an account, you upload a photo, you write an “essay.” You tell people what race and religion you are and if you are slender, average, or have “a few extra pounds.” You bait your hook and toss it in the river.

I hid my account. (That’s an option, though it took a minute to find.) I’m not looking for dates. Besides, I might be a little suprised by the responses I get from my profile:

Part Duck, Part Cover

I just want to have a great time before the Republican Armageddon descends. Who needs to re-arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic when there’s still plenty of bubbly at the bar? Maybe you’d like to toast the end of Earth with an upbeat cynic.

Any woman who responds to that should go into community organizing. We need more radical lefties out there in the mix.

Anyway, there I was, thinking, “what the hell kinda review can I write without actually, you know, interacting with the others on the site?” The true value of Matchmaker.com can only be determined by those who either do or don’t hook up through their service. And, for me, that’s out of the question.

But I poked around anyway. A search for women between 24-49, within 100 miles of my town produced a ton of results. Lots of middle-aged women, a few in their thirties and the occasional twenty-something trying to fulfill their Lifetime TV fantasies.

I gotta say, it depressed me at first. It’s not that I’m so cool I can’t imagine being lonely and posting a serious listing to a site like this, but I’m enough of a snob to think that at least I could take a better picture, drop a few pounds or maybe just fix my bed-head a little.

Soon the depression lifted and I became a hardcore voyeur, checking out the often hilarious pictures and reading people’s listings. This really wasn’t very cool of me. I was laughing at these lonely people now, and I didn’t care. It was too much fun. Call me a jerk, I can take it.

Just for jollies, I decided to check out the competition. An (Advanced) search for men in my age range proved equally thrilling.

“I would like a lady for one on one friendship to apossible good bit more I am 53 years old vietnam era vet I am retired millwright I enjoy welding modifieing equipt twisting iron in a forge ornemently or artisticly like my 7 ft robot the only one in the state I bet I like to bake european style italian bread I have a largre garden to try to get lots of veggies like watermelon tomatoes cantolope etc.”

Dudes, for the most part, are as clueless as gals. There’s a little more intent from some of them – a little less innocence – but they’re mostly average guys, like me, only more desperate. Some are actually funny – on purpose. One guy’s headline was “You’re going to settle – why not settle for me?” Nice one, bro.

In the end, I thought I could use the site. There were a few ladies who registered on my attract-o-meter, within driving distance for a date or two. Some had kids, some were clearly not from around here:

“I have optimistical character and open soul.
Very much I like to dream.
I think, that it is necessary to estimate highly each moment of a life, and to enjoy a life.
I like to have a good time and fun.
I have good sense of humour.
As very much I love children.
It was never married.
I dream to find true love and to create family.
Very much I like to communicate with people.
At me it is a lot of friends.
And I shall be glad to find new friends.
But the most important purpose for me now is to find the favourite person.”

Sister, that says it all.


8 Responses to “Dabbling in On-Line Dating”

  1. cripsyduck Says:

    Just for jollies, here’s the review I submitted to the board:

    “Matchmaker.com provides romance-seekers with a simple way to search for prospective mates in their area. Anyone who has used Facebook or Myspace will have no trouble setting up a profile and getting started.

    Once you’re oriented, searching is easy. Just enter the distance you’re willing to travel, the age range of your desired encounter, and you’re off. Listings come up ten per page, with pictures and profiles only a click away. When you find someone you like, you can “show interest,” sending them an automated message to check you out.

    For an alternative to the daily grind dating scene, Matchmaker.com may be an ideal tool for finding new friends from the comfort and privacy of your own home.”

  2. girlfriend Says:

    Wait a minute, does this have something to do with all the Patsy Cline you’ve been listening to lately?

  3. I prefer the full length Cripsy version. Your experience of the site is much more interesting than the review. Well that, and my simple mind likes pictures.

  4. cripsyduck Says:

    I just want to see that guy’s 7 ft robot. Only one in the state!

  5. Once I get the torso together for my 20′ golem head we will see how fast the 7 footer can run. Mwah ha haw

  6. cripsyduck Says:

    Sic ’em boy! Git ’em!

  7. cripsyduck Says:

    UPDATE: These fuckers never contacted me. Guess it was a scam to get people to sign up for their dating website after all. BOYCOTT MATCHMAKER.COM! Go match.com!

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